


Fear, Overwhelming

by onihunter305



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Episode S2E8, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 14:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9905192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onihunter305/pseuds/onihunter305
Summary: Magnus doesn’t want to look at Alec, and yet he’s afraid to take his eyes off of him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a missing scene between the conversation in which Clary and Jace explain Valentine's plans and Max's rune ceremony. Obviously there needed to be some kind of conversation had with Alec after he basically decided that the world would be a better place if he was no longer in it. I decided to put Magnus in that situation as he had a similar experience and could possibly relate with Alec in this situation. I also took some liberties in explaining the spell that they were under in episode 8, hopefully it makes sense and works well with the story. I hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> There is definitely a trigger warning for those of you with demons regarding suicide or suicidal thoughts. I hope that if you are struggling with these thought that you have someone to talk to. Anyone, even if it's a stranger who reaches out towards you. Sometimes knowing you have someone who cares that you are part of this world, it makes all the difference.

With everyone still reeling from the information Clary and Jace just shared with the group, Magnus took a moment to look around his battleground of a loft. Structural brick beams blown away, bookshelves blasted to bits, books thrown haphazardly around from explosions. Magnus sighed as he assessed the damage. Although it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, it wasn’t good either. And after using as much magic as he had already tonight, he didn’t know what he would be able to fix and what would have to wait until he was more recharged.

Thinking about things that could, or couldn’t, wait until morning, Magnus found himself searching out the Shadowhunter who had turned his world upside down. Alec was silently internalizing the information he had just been given and was attempting to figure out a plan. That was what he had been trained to do. To let all emotions go and focus on his job as a warrior.

And that, was the problem.

Magnus wasn’t sure if there was another moment in his long life that would haunt him as much as watching Alec’s body enter free-fall off the edge of his balcony. His heart had been in his throat and he had probably expended more energy than necessary to safely and carefully propel Alec’s body back onto the balcony safely. Even now, he feared closing his eyes and being forced to witness the whole potentially-catastrophic event again. He couldn’t even look at him, fearing he’d see that empty look in his eyes that he had right before he let go. 

And yet, he found himself keeping a secret watchful vigilance over the young Shadowhunter. Allowing a small piece of his magic to keep track of his every movement, his every breath. The fear overwhelmed him. The fear that he could have lost Alec tonight, right after he had just found him. The fear that he wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough of a reason to keep Alec from getting up on the ledge in the first place. The fear that he was insufficient, he was unable to recognize the signs that had once been so prevalent within himself. He didn’t see how Alec had been suffering and hurting, to the point where Alec had come to the devastating conclusion that the only way out of the pain he was feeling was to remove himself from this world. 

He heard conversation start up again between the four young Shadowhunters and the fledgling vampire. It would appear they were getting ready to leave, having enough excitement for one night.

Magnus’ breath got caught in his throat. Alec was leaving? He couldn’t. Magnus wouldn’t allow him to. He need to keep an eye on him, to know that he was safe, to know that nothing else was going to happen to him. Especially now, with his spell book gone, he felt an overwhelming urge to protect him. 

“The rune ceremony is at dawn, if we hurry we can catch about four hours of sleep before we have to be up to prepare for it,” Izzy said, her voice much steadier than it had been in the beginning of the evening. Magnus filed that one in the back of his head as something to deal with soon, but not right now. 

“I’ve been given permission to stay at the institute tonight because of how early the ceremony is. I guess Aldertree didn’t want to deal with Maryse flipping out over his demon son not being able to attend,” Jace said, his voice still holding the traces of bitterness and hurt from the nights events. Although Magnus had dispelled the remaining effects of the warlocks spell, the events that had taken place while everyone was under it would not soon be forgotten. By Jace, or anyone else for that matter. 

Alec has stayed silent throughout the whole exchange. Making no move to leave the loft, and also not saying anything to the contrary. Magnus caught him out of the corner of his eye and Alec held his gaze for only a moment before Alec turned away.

“I have to get back before dawn, my canoe is calling me,” Simon joked and Clary offered him a subdued smile. Those two had a lot to talk about but there wouldn’t be time for that tonight and there wouldn’t be a place for it tomorrow. It would have to rest on the back burner, a conversation for another day.

“I’ll walk with you half way,” Clary said, needing to be near him, especially after revealing the mortal danger he could be in all thanks to her and her insane father’s experiments. 

“Sounds good, see you guys tomorrow night,” Simon offered, giving everyone an awkward type wave before leaving with Clary, hand in hand. Magnus figured they would be alright, they were friends first after all.

Jace and Izzy seemed to exchange silent looks before both turn to Alec. “Why don’t you stay here with Magnus tonight. Without his spell book he might be vulnerable and of all of us, you are the only one with the discipline to get up and get back to the institute in time for the ceremony tomorrow,” Izzy said, trying to cut off all of Alec’s possible escapes while playing into his protector complex. Both her and Jace recognized that Alec needed to talk to someone about what had transpired that night and they also knew Magnus had the best chance to get to him in the privacy of his home.

Magnus was impressed, as much as he desired the young man to stay with him tonight, for many reasons, he couldn’t have thought up such a airtight plan to get him to. It was times like these that he wondered what type of sibling bong Jace and Izzy had, they seemed to communicate without speaking at times. 

“Um…” Alec vocalized, looking at Magnus with a blank look. A look which was the exact reason he needed him to stay tonight. A look that promised all of Alec’s repressed emotions were back in his vault, just waiting to overwhelm him.

“You always have a place here my dear,” Magnus said, trying to sound less desperate than he felt. He forced himself to lock eyes with Alec, trying to convey his affection and desire for him to stay. It almost hurt to look at him though, to look at how broken he truly was.

“So it’s settled, we’ll see you in the morning Alec,” Jace said, slapping him strongly on his shoulder and walking out with Izzy. He shared one meaningful look with Magnus before closing the door, one that silently reminded him of the conversation they had on his balcony only hours ago. God, Magnus thought, that conversation felt like a lifetime ago. 

Finally, Alec and Magnus were alone.

As soon as Magnus’ doors closed behind his siblings, Alec got right to work, picking up fallen books and assessing them for damages as he went. He started making a couple of piles as he worked methodically to try and make sense of the mess. 

“Alexander, you do not have to clean up my mess,” Magnus said his eyes not quite meeting Alec’s as he took a step towards Alec. Alec, also not meeting his eyes, took a step back, his arms cradling some wayward potion texts that had originated from across the room.

“I want to, I don’t mind,” Alec said, his voice slightly panicked. Magnus recognized his actions immediately. Alec was trying to compartmentalize the events of the night and he found it easiest to do so while organizing and shelving books. Mindless work didn’t require any emotions. 

Knowing the unhealthy path he was traveling on, Magnus carefully approached the wound-up Shadowhunter and carefully emptied his arms of books. “I know you don’t, however, it is not necessary. If you don’t mind, it’s been a long night. I would love to sure up the structure of my building, have a drink, and relax with my boyfriend.”

Magnus knew it was cruel, to pray on Alec’s need to take care of those around him, but he didn’t know any other way to stop the younger man from overthinking things.

“Okay, do you need my strength?” Alec asked, unsure as to why Magnus hand’t already cleaned up if that was his plan/desire. 

“No dear, just for you to relax. I’m not going to clean everything up tonight, just enough to make sure the building doesn’t come down on us in our sleep,” Magnus said with a sad smile. Alec never ceased to amaze him, even after the harrowing night he had, he was willing to give his strength to Magnus to help him do something as frivolous as cleaning up his loft. 

Turning his back to Alec, Magnus preformed a couple of flourished movements resulting in blue magically tendrils corrected the structural damage that had occurred during his battle earlier that night. 

With that settled, Magnus walked calmly over to the drink cart, quickly mixing up a drink the old fashion way. He took his time, selfishly delaying the conversation he planned to have with Alec. Even as he finished making his drink, he found it difficult to turn back around and face the man he cared deeply about. He didn’t know how this conversation was going to go. There were two options really. One in which Alec became angry and stormed out of the loft and refused to talk to Magnus ever again. And another where he finally broke down the walls that had been carefully constructed around the Shadowhunter’s emotions and it would be a tough night for both of them. 

When he finally did turn, he noticed Alec’s eyebrow raise at the sight of the lone drink. Clearly the younger man thought Magnus was making them each a drink. Unfortunately for Alec, Magnus’ was purely for liquid courage and he didn’t want the Shadowhunter to use it as a crutch when they discussed uncomfortable topics. 

“Come take a seat on the couch,” Magnus commented, gesturing to the couch that had magically survived the explosions and violence of earlier. 

As Alec came to join him Magnus couldn’t help but notice the separation he put between them. Just a few days earlier Alec was nestled up against Magnus as they made out like horny teenagers on this very couch. The difference was stark and concerning. 

“Alec, dear Alexander, we need to talk about…what happened tonight,” Magnus finally said, taking a bigger swig of his drink than he intended. If he kept this up he would need another before Alec even responded.

“There is nothing to talk about Magnus, we were under the influence of the spell. You dispelled the spell, and everything is alright,” Alec reasoned, his voice void of emotion.

“Not quite, “Magnus said sadly, hating the flinch he witnessed in response. “That particular spell was meant to cause havoc among it’s intended victims, drive them crazy. If left unchecked long enough it would force them to fight amongst each other until they destroyed one another. It’s an ancient and outdated spell from back in the time of civil unrest.” Magnus paused allowing Alec to take in what he was saying, what he was alluding to. He saw the younger man becoming more and more uncomfortable where he sat and wanted nothing more than to envelop him in a hug but wasn’t sure if his presence would be welcomed just yet, or ever again after this conversation.

“As it was intended, Jace’s insecurities regarding the development of his true heritage caused him to see Maryse attacking him and wanting him dead and out of the family. The intention of the spell was for him to attack back, forcing them to fight until one of them was no longer able to do so. Clary’s insecurities over her budding relationship with Simon caused her to see him pursuing another, which drove her to attempt to confront him multiple times throughout the night. If the spell as reached its intended potency, Clary would likely have attacked both Simon and Maia tonight.” Magnus explained, each additional word out of his mouth causing Alec’s breath to shorten.

“You, well, you’re feelings towards what happened with Jocelyn, the guilt and pain you feel over her death, forced you to hallucinate Clary coming after you. The spells intention was for you to fight back against her, for you to feel anger towards her words and cause confrontation,” Magnus said sadly, finally looking directly at Alec in an attempt to catch his eyes. Although Alec wouldn’t meet his eyes, his body posture told Magnus exactly how defeated he was feeling in that very moment.

“But…” Alec started, trying to find his defense when faced with insurmountable evidence. 

“Alec, how long have you been feeling like this…how long have you been depressed?” Magnus finally asked. He watched as Alec’s eyes widened and his breath caught in his chest. For a moment Magnus wasn’t sure Alec was going to inhale or exhale again until finally his whole body shook as air was forced into his lungs. He was surprised by the lack of fight he saw in Alec’s posture, he was sure he was going to vehemently deny it, argue, something. Instead he sat still, his shoulders slumped.

“I’m not… I haven’t,” Alec stuttered, his eyes trained to the floor, studying it as if it had all the answers.

“I believe you are Alexander, and have been for quiet some time,” Magnus said with as much tenderness as he could manage. He knew how hopeless Alec felt, he knew the pain of every breath when you feel like you don’t belong in this world. 

Alec’s eyes finally rose to meet Magnus’ and the unshed tears that clung to his long lashes broke Magnus’ heart. The strong and confident Shadowhunter was gone, the hurt and damaged young man was left in his wake. The man that had been beaten down throughout his entire life and left to feel as though he was always inadequate sat there without anything left to protect him. Without wasting another moment, Magnus closed the gap between them and pulled Alec against his body. He felt Alec freeze up for a moment before all the tension left his body and he clung to Magnus like a lifeline. 

Magnus could feel his body shudder and shake with silent sobs as he slowly and gently combed his hands through Alec’s hair, not saying anything but being there for him none the less. Silent streams of tears flowed down his face, messing up his make-up, as he felt the pain of the man in his arms. 

After what felt like hours, but was only about 10 minutes, Magnus could feel exhaustion settle in Alec as his sobs subsided. 

“I know you are tired Alexander, but we have to finish talking about this, before we retire for the night,” Magnus pushed, hating the wearying look he received in return. There was no fight in that look, just a resigned exhaustion. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Alec admitted, finally telling the truth. Magnus could feel how big of a step that was for Alec, he was admitting there was something wrong even if he didn’t know how to fix it.

“Let’s start with what Clary said to make you feel like getting on the ledge of my balcony was a better option that trying to prove her wrong or fighting back against her?” Magnus said, starting with what he knew. There were so many layers to Alec’s deep routed self-hatred that he knew he was only going to crack the surface but he needed to start somewhere. 

“The truth,” Was all Alec whispered back.

“Which is?” Magnus pushed.

“That I’m a failure as a Shadowhunter. That I killed her mother. That I let a demon in after preaching how well trained of a fighter I was. That I should be dead instead of Jocelyn. That I’m a murder,” Alec said softly, shuddering at the memory of Clary’s angry face. Although he could now recognize what was a hallucination versus what was real, the vision of what he saw would not leave him anytime soon.

“You, my dear, are not a failure as a Shadowhunter. In all my years I have yet to see someone as talented as you at such a young age. Your dedication astounds me on a bad day. And as for you killing Jocelyn, Alexander I don’t know how to explain it to you in a way that you will believe me. You did not kill her, the demon that possessed you did. You did not enter her room with the intent to kill her, you never would have. You are a gentle soul my dear Alexander,” Magnus said, his hands resuming his slow ministrations in Alec’s hair. 

“But I did, I watched the video. My hands…thrusting into her chest…killing her,” Alec said hauntedly, his eyes gazing down to the once bloodied hand. Even now, as clean as it may appear, Alec could only see the blood dripping from it. 

“That demon, he is the only one responsible. And had Biscuit not killed him herself, I would summon him here right now and tear him limb from limb. You are not to blame here. You, you are pure goodness Alexander,” Magnus argued, he could feel Alec’s disagreement with everything he said.

“Goodness… not a word I would ever use to describe someone who is such a… such a disappointment,” Alec said, a deeper rooted issue coming tot he surface. 

And there Magnus paused, he knew that Alec had internalized homophobia but he wasn’t aware of how deep it ran. For Alec to believe his entire being lacked goodness simply because he enjoyed the company of men, it boggled Magnus’ mind and made his both angry and sad. Angry that the Lightwoods had fostered this feeling in their oldest son and sad that he still felt this way despite everything he and his siblings had tried to do to reverse it. 

“There is nothing wrong with you Alec,” Magnus said, echoing what he had told the darker haired man on their first official date. “You, being true to who you are, there is nothing wrong with that,” he reasoned.

“And yet, it’s tearing my family apart,” Alec commented right back, catching Magnus by surprise. He was unaware of any family issues that were tearing the Lightwoods apart.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand Alexander,” he ventured.

“Mex told me mother and father are fighting constantly because they are unhappy with the choices I’ve made with my life. I’ve ruined the family name, I’ve lost us the institute…” Alec felt as though he could go on and on.

“Your family name was ruined long before you cancelled your wedding to Lydia Branwell. Your parents saw to that when they pledged their allegiance to Valentine in the first uprising. And as hard as you try Alexander, you cannot right their wrongs. No matter how much good you try to do,” Magnus explained. He could tell Alec did not believe him but he felt compelled to continue.

“You need to find a way to love yourself, for who you are. You are a wonderful, caring, protective, amazing man who would do anything for those he loves. That is what you have to hold onto when the darkness threatens to overwhelm you,” Magnus said fiercely.

“I… I don’t know if I can,” Alec admitted, feeling even more like a failure for admitting that.

“You can, and you will. I know it. Because if I can do it, you can do it,” Magnus said, revealing to Alec that he too had been in this position before. That revelation caused Alec to sit up and his bloodshot eyes to meet Magnus’ make-up smeared ones.

“What?” He asked, understanding what had just been admitted to him but unable to actually imagine it.

“You stood on the edge of my balcony, I stood on the edge of a bridge,” Magnus finally said.

Shock ran through Alec’s body, the man in front of him had contemplated doing the very same thing he attempted tonight. The confident, amazing, wonderful, talented man he was growing to care deeply for almost never was part of his life. That thought alone made him nauseous, that he would still be repressed and feeling all alone had Magnus not come into his life.

“Who…who pulled you back?” Alec asked.

“Camille,” Magnus admitted, gauging Alec’s reaction.

“I guess I have at least one reason to be thankful of her,” Alec said, his hand reaching out to tangle his fingers with Magnus’, his grip tightening at the thought.

“Alexander, I understand feeling hopeless. Feeling like there is no other option than to just end it all. But I want you to know, and to understand, that there are so many people in this world who would be devastated if you left it. Myself included,” Magnus said, rubbing his thumb on the back of Alec’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said, his voice thick with emotion.

“Don’t ever be sorry for feeling the way you do, just promise me you will talk to someone before it gets bad again. If things at home, or at work, or even between us becomes part of the problem, please promise me that you will seek someone out. Don’t bottle it up,” Magnus said, his lips grazing the top of Alec’s head and he whispered the words to them.

Alec nodded but did not verbally respond. He just allowed himself to enjoy the silence and the comfort of Magnus’ arms. He felt warm, protected, and loved within those arms. 

Eventually he sighed and broke the comfortable silence, “I can’t promise, because I don’t want to break that promise. But I can promise to try.”

“That’s enough, for now,” Magnus conceded. “So, I have to ask, how do you feel right now?” Magnus asked.

“Loved,” was all Alec had in response.

“Good, because you are,” Magnus replied, angling their bodies in a way that was comfortable to sleep in. He knew he wouldn’t get much sleep, but with Alec carefully held within his arms he might be able to get a little. Knowing he was safe, for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Some of this was based on some real life events within my own life when handling a sensitive intervention with a friend of mine who was struggling with their internalized-homophobia and fear of coming out to their parents. Thankfully we were able to help him through that part of his life and he is still with us. 
> 
> Please, if you are having suicidal thoughts, seek help. And if you are friends or close to someone who you suspect might be depressed or might be having suicidal thoughts reach out to them. Let them know that you care that they continue to be part of your life.


End file.
